


Don't Forget Where You Belong - Zouis

by 2little_creature1



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Forgiveness, Friendship, Gen, M/M, One Direction One Shot, Panic Attacks, Past Zayn Malik/Louis Tomlinson, Post-Zayn One Direction, Song: History (One Direction), Talking, Zayn Leaves One Direction, Zayn Malik & Louis Tomlinson Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 15:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19976191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2little_creature1/pseuds/2little_creature1
Summary: "It's not about hate", Louis said, trying desperately to keep his voice straight. Zayn turned around again, almost crying. "You let me down, Zayn. The boys. The fans. Perrie. You let everybody down. Fuck, I hope at least you got everything you wanted. You have a lot of money now and a beautiful girlfriend, hits that are on your own, plus you don't need to share your spotlight with anybody else anymore. You are a star, Zayn, shining alone. I hope it was worth it."Zayn's voice was so low that Louis almost couldn't hear it."It wasn't."- where Zayn and Louis finally talk about everything that happened between the two of them.





	Don't Forget Where You Belong - Zouis

"Too much drugs and alcohol  
What the hell were we fighting for?  
'Cause now the whole damn world will know  
That we're too numb and just too dumb to change  
the story  
Neither one, one of us, wants to say we're sorry

I'd rather be anywhere, anywhere but here  
I'd rather be anywhere, anywhere but here  
I close my eyes and see a crowd of a thousand tears  
I pray to God I didn't waste all my good years"  
(Good Years - Zayn Malik)

Louis didn't want to talk to Zayn, that was his first thought when Malik called him.

Liam spent the whole last week trying to convince Louis to talk to him, because apparently he had a flu and he made clear that he could die at any moment – yeah, he is a fucking drama queen –, so it was Tomlinson's duty to fulfill his last wish: he and Zayn making up. Of course Louis denied before he could finish the first sentence for the first time he asked, but he just became tired of that whole thing after three days of hearing Liam begging. And he finally agreed to that crazy ideia.

And there they were.

At Tomlinson's house.

In a awkward silence.

But the massive problem with that meeting was: Louis didn't want to go through all of that shit over again. Their fight completely messed him up and now that he was finally moving on, Zayn wanted to go right back to that hell that they lived? Fuck, he had every right to be mad at him. For years, Zayn didn't even try to explain or apologize for anything that he did. And now, he was there, at his living room, craving for his attention. That was a bit too much. 

"Are you busy?", Zayn asked, trying to break the ice.

"Actually, yes", Louis answered. He didn't have anything to do if he was going to be honest, but it didn't matter. "So make this quick, whatever this is"

"I came here because I thought it would be better for both of us if...", Zayn sat down and started talking, trying to get up the courage to tell Louis how he truly felt. He stopped as soon as he realized that Tomlinson didn't seen to be paying too much attention to his words. Actually, the brunette wasn't paying any attention at all. He was walking around the room, doing nothing in particular. It was like Zayn wasn't even there. "Can you at least look at me? Fuck, man, I'm really trying, ok? Like, for real. Isn't this what you wanted?"

"Oh, okay. And don't you think that I also wanted to talk to you over these years? That I also had things to say?", Louis asked, sitting down as well. Now the two of them were face to face, staring at each other with pain and anger in their eyes. "Now you have the nerve to show up here out of the blue, asking me for advice or some shit like that. Who do you think you are?"

"I just want to talk, lad, that's all", Zayn took a deep breath trying to keep himself calm. He was still very nervous. "Are you willing to listen to me?"

"I don't know. I guess I will decide that as you talk. So go on"

Zayn took a deep breath. He had a whole ass speech prepared for this, that he've been thinking about since he and Louis had their first fight. He thought about perfect sentences, every little thing that he could say to the brunette for years. And now, that he was staring at his blue eyes, he completely forgot every single word. They were so intense, Zayn was never capable of lying under his stare. 

Zayn had to improvise the whole thing, and that was awful, cause he was really bad at thinking quick.

"That last music video of you guys. History, right?", Zayn asked, still very nervous. "I don't know, I...I was surprised when I saw myself in those scenes. I mean, not in a bad way, I kinda liked. It was nice of you guys to include me, I guess. I feel like we recorded those videos a thousand years ago. I-I was going to call you to talk about it, but Liam said that you had changed your number, so...

"So...Of course it would be too hard for you to ask him what my current number was, right? Then you just gave up of calling, like you do with everything else. Anyway, to be honest, I didn't even know that they were going to keep you in the video. Like you said, we don't control anything about our music, it isn't genuine, right?" Louis reminded him of his own words. Zayn lowered his head, biting his upper lip, feeling guilty for his choice of words. "But I will admit that I also liked that they keep your videos. That literally said 'It's okay that you are finding your own way to do things, we accept that and support you', without pretending that you were never there or erasing you from all of those years. Because the band and I care too much about our story to do some shit like that. Well, I guess I can't say the same about you."

"You are such a hypocritel! You remember the time when we would only talk about how much we wanted to get rid of that shitty label! You said yourself that you couldn't stand not having control of your own work anymore, that you wanted to leave! So why suddenly you started to defend the band and every wrong thing about it? Why do you pretend that everything was fine, and our wills were respected, making it look like I left for nothing? Why am I the bad guy for actually doing something for my own mental health, instead of just talking behind their back?"

"What?", Lou's eyes widened as if he could scarcely believe what he was listening. Now Zayn was blaming him? Hell no. "You know what? That is great for you, Zayn. Really fucking great. Now you are a free man, happy, far away from that fucking label and the band that 'you didn't even want to be with in the first place', like you said yourself. So leave me alone. Why the fuck are you here? 

"I said it already. I wanna talk to you, so we can truly make up once and for all. Louis, I was being immature by saying those things. I was angry and confused with all of that stuff going on, and all of those people saying bad things about me and...And even though they didn't know the true story, they just kept hating on me all the time. I just...I guess I just started to be bitter about everything related to the band."

"Oh, wait. Let me get this straight...Because you were confused and bitter, wich I totally understand by the way, because I really know how it feels, you betrayed us. You think that's fair? Zayn, I literally can't count on my fingers how many times I've felt completely lost since I first auditioned for the X-Factor. And still, I've never used that as an excuse to hurt the ones that I love."

"Wow, Louis, congratulations. You are a role model for all of us, the only person alive that doesn't make mistakes. Cause God forbid you being wrong, right?", Zayn laughed ironically, annoying Louis even more. "I've never said what I did was right, but you don't really wanna hear about that, do you? You don't really want me to apologize, to redeem myself. You want me to keep saying that stupid stuff and acting like an asshole all the time, so you can be mad with me forever for no reason!"

"No reason?!", he said angrily. 

"I mean, what did you think? That nothing would change between us? In the beginning we were kids, Louis, we used to be thrilled by everything, because we were young, naive, easily influenced by literally anyone that promised us anything. Did you seriously think that we would stayed the same after two, three, four years? That our friendship would still be the exact same thing for the rest of our lives?"

"Yeah, I...I guess I did. I can't believe I actually did. You just don't get it, do you?"

"Then explain it to me! Whatever it is, I'm listening. I want to know."

"You leaving is not the big deal here, man. Cause afterall, in the very beginning I didn't want to be in the band either, but..."

"See? This is what I'm saying. We were  
bounded by the contract to stay there. This is why we stayed together for so long"

Louis shook his head, disappointed with his answer.

"No, I stayed for you, you jerk! For Harry, for Liam, for Niall, for myself, because...Because, we fucking started this together, and we all would do anything for our dream."

"It was never my dream, Louis! I auditioned for a solo career, and yes, I loved every minute that I spended with you guys, you were like brothers to me for a while, but being in a pop group was never my intention. And you fucking know it! I wasn't the greatest friend in the world, Louis, but with all due respect, neither were you. You knew about all of my disorders and my problems with anxiety, and...When I just mentioned that I wanted to leave, you started to completely ignore me, to argue with me multiple times for no reason. After I finally left, all you did was throw shade at me and talk shit on Twitter. I didn't need this at that time, ok?!'

"Wow...You can call me a lot of things, Zayn. I have a lot of flaws, and I have no problem in admit that I failed with you multiple times. But bad friend? You absolutely can not call me that." Louis was totally offended by that, but all he could do was smile sadly at the other man.The happy memories of them were playing with his head, he used to enjoy rainy nights like this with Zayn, they probably would be playing or watching movies by now at that time. It was crazy to think that this stranger in front of him used to be his best friend. "I've never said a word to anyone about that time when you were in love with those little thin white lines. Oh, yeah, that same time that you used to cheat on your fiancee with tons of diferent girls...And why not to say, boys? And how could I forget about you and Liam? Have I ever told anyone about all of the times that you and him made out at parties, no matter how bad the stories were? Whenever you got ill, angry, sad ou just sick of that crazy routine, I was there for you, Zayn. It didn't matter if you were right or wrong, it was about you and me, our friendship, us. My loyalty lied on you untill the very end. But you? You fucked us over on the first chance you had...Man, you...You said that you were never really close to Harry. Were you out of your bloody mind? Harry still says that you are and will always be one of his best friends."

That last sentence made Louis pause. Saying Harry's name out loud after all these years was also bittersweet for him.

"I already explained you this, Louis! Fuck!", Zayn got up and turned his back on Louis, too nervous to keep staring at him. If he were at his home, he would have already punched the whole wall. He remained in silence for almost ten minutes, just trying to think clearly and calm himself down. He sighed. "Jay wanted us to make up. Do you think that she would be happy seeing us like this?"

"Don't", Louis had his fists clenched, suddenly being very defensive. "Don't you dare talk about my mom when you didn't even have the balls to go to the show on X-Factor, when I clearly said that I needed you there."

"I...I wanted to go. I even called you after the show, but the thing is...I had anxiety attacks just thinking about going back to that place. Just think about it for a second. A stage full of people who don't like you and were saying shit about you. Simon was there too and after everything that I said to him in our last meet, I doubt that he would keep his fucking mouth shut about everything, and I was terrified of that. Just being there, in the middle of the chaos, with everyone staring at me. You are the strongest person I know, Louis, that's why I know it's hard for you to put yourself in my shoes. You could easily go in there and just don't give a fuck about anyone or anything. But I'm...I'm a coward. I'm not saying that what I did was okay though. You have every right to hate me after that."

"It's not about hate", Louis said, trying desperately to keep his voice straight. Zayn turned around again, almost crying. "You let me down, Zayn. The boys. The fans. Perrie. You let everybody down. Fuck, I hope at least you got everything you wanted. You have a lot of money now and a beautiful girlfriend, hits that are on your own, plus you don't need to share your spotlight with anybody else anymore. You are a star, Zayn, shining alone. I hope it was worth it."

Zayn's voice was so low that Louis almost couldn't hear it.

"It wasn't."

They stared at each other in silence for a moment, until Louis starts talking again.

"Do you know what is the worst part? Even though you wanted to came here to apologize or at least explain yourself, you  
didn't say "Sorry" for anythings. Not even once. And I would forgive you in a heartbeat, you were my best friend, Zayn, I used to trust you with my life. I would literally take a bullet for you if necessary...So you started saying those things about me and the band, or repeating that you hated being there, and I felt like you ended up being the one to pull the trigger, wich sucks, cause it was like our friendship meant nothing for you. I started to ask myself wich part of it was actually real for you or just part of the damn contract. And, to be honest, I still don't know the answer."

Zayn couldn't think of anything to say. He was really listening to Louis, putting himself in his shoes. It was the first time that he was telling him his whole side of the story.

"Every show that we did after you left was...Meaningless to me. To all the boys, actually. Because One Direction was about five boys, chasing their dreams together, and still able to remain friends after all the bullshit of fame. It wasn't the same without you. And I don't care that you didn't like the music we were making, or all of the travels back and forth, it is not about that. I wasn't mad because of that and you know it." Louis sighed. There were tears in his eyes. "I don't hate you, I've never have. I couldn't. I've been thinking about you every single day since you've been gone. When my mom died, I remember laying on my bed everynight and screaming into my pillow, crying, because I couldn't deal with all that pain by myself. I needed my friends. I was missing you. I needed something from you at that time, a talk, a text, a hug, even a look, anything at all...And I got nothing. I got nothing"

"I'm so sorry."

Suddenly Zayn felt his chest getting tight. Oh, no, not right now. 

Then it hit him out of nowhere.

His mind took him back to that time again, when he was stuck in the life that made him ill. He could actually hear fans screaming and see the tears on their faces, and the news with his name on. Voices screaming loud as hell. Calling him a traitor. It felt like he was walking through that hell all over again and he felt sick.

He wasn’t breathing right.

“Hey, are you okay?.” Louis asked.

Zayn couldn't respond. The blood pounded in his ears. His hands shook. His vision disfigured, as if he were looking through a fish-eye lens. He couldn’t keep arguing with Louis any longer, he would fucked up everything again like he always does. 

Breathing was hard. Really hard. He started to cry, as bile rose in his throat. He couldn't move.

"I'm sorry...", Zayn repetead while crying harder, his hands violently shaking. "I-I've never meant to turn us into this. But I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was living somebody else's life. I...I didn't know what to do. Please, I'm sorry"

Tomlinson interrupted him, smoothly grabbing his hands and guiding him back to the couch. Louis knew what do, Zayn used to have panic attacks all the time when he were in the band.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here for you, it's okay", Louis said with a very sweet tone of voice, gently holding his face with his both hands. Zayn looked at him with his eyes full of tears, desperate, gasping. "I need you to breathe. Slowly, as I count to four. Let's do it together, all right?"

And they did. Breathing in for four, holding for four, and releasing for four. They continued the breathing exercises for almost fifteen minutes and didn't stop until Zayn's breath and heartbeats were in a normal rate. And Louis talked to him through the whole process, caressing his arm, telling that he already had plenty of panic attacks before and he handled all of them very well, that he won all the battles against it. And continued repeating that he was there for Zayn.

"You are safe. Nothing bad is gonna happen, I promise you, okay?", he kept talking in his calm and low voice. Zayn nodded, feeling really grateful for Lou's help. Even though he was still crying a little bit, he was much better than moments before. "Feeling better?"

Zayn nodded again, only because he didn't feel like talking.

"C-Can I lay down? My head is still kinda spinning around", he mumbled.

"Yeah, sure."

He laid on the couch, hugging his own body. His hands stopped shaking but his eyes seemed lost.

Almost ten minutes later, Louis continued to look at him, gently stroking his hair. Zayn's eyes were closed, so Tomlinson couldn't really tell if he was enjoying the caress or still trying to calm himself. 

"Thanks for...You know", Malik said, a little bit distracted. When Louis stopped the caress, he slowly moved his head into his hand, silently asking for him not to stop. Louis had to hide his smirk...After all that time, Zayn still could act like a child sometimes."I hate when this happens. I always try to calm myself down to not stress anyone out, but sometimes it's all just too much."

Even though they were arguing moments before, there was nothing Louis wouldn't do to help him. He really would go through hell for that motherfucker. God, he missed Zayn so much.

"Nah, it's okay, it's not something that you should be ashamed of anyway. And, let's say I got used to helping you", he said. He immediately regretted the last sentence, afraid that Zayn would think that he was mocking him. Louis needed to remind himself that they were not close anymore. But Zayn just laughed in response, making Louis feel relieved. "You know what that reminds me of? Harry crying on your first panic attack. He kept repeating to me that you were going to die, that his lasts words to you were not good, that I needed to do something. And then Liam started crying as well. And, of course, Niall is not very helpful in situations like this, so I had to take it over. Hell, we were so worried about you"

Zayn laughed again. And Louis did the same, laying next to him. The atmosphere completely changed at that point. They were really close to each other, calmly smiling, their voices low, totally different from the scenario of moments before, filled with anger and sadness.

"I'm sorry for worrying you guys so much, especially you. I guess I'm so good at fucking things up that I do it even when I'm unconscious"

"No, don't say that. This is what friends do."

The word "friends" made Zayn smile.

"Man, I'm tired.", Malik said. "I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of missing you like crazy and just...Keep stopping myself from calling you because of my stupid pride. I can't keep living like this anymore. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah. I'm tired too. So I guess we..." 

Before Louis could even finished his sentence, the other man pulled him closer and hugged him, for the first time in years. Tomlinson took less than two seconds to put his arms around his best friend, closing his eyes in the process. God, Zayn was so happy, he has been waiting for this moment to come for so long. Louis looked desperate while hugging him as well, drowing in memories and flashbacks.

"I'm sorry", Zayn said, still holding him tight. He was afraid of letting Louis go. He couldn't lose him again.

"It's okay...You are my brother, it's okay", Louis said, crying and laughing at the same time. 

And Zayn closed his eyes, relieved. He was in peace after a long time of having lonely and cold wars kept inside in his chest. 

He finally came back home.


End file.
